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Upon The Change (Chrysalis/Emergence): Part I

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It has been quite some time since I've even acknowledge the existence of Live Journal, but I suppose today is as good a time as any to dust this off and write about my absence.

Well, although there has been at least some writing on paper, there really hasn't been much time for recording. Even so, I wouldn't even count the "writing" as writing. Considering most of it is just just random scrawling of tablature and lyrics, none of which actually are associative to each other.

But, the main reason everything has been at a standstill is due to the fact that I almost had a nervous breakdown a few months ago.

Here's why.

Over the course of 2008, I had a series of tragedies happen with no real time to handle them effectively. In February, my musical mentor passed away from MRSA. In addition to that, he was a friend's father, so I tried to help him whenever I could. Without him, I would not have realized my talents as well, nor would I have been able to get through the first steps of doing music. I owe a lot of him.

A few months later in July, a close confidant who I've known since high school, Tyler, took his life on my birthday. At the funeral a few days later, I was reunited with a lot of old friends from high school. On top of being strong for one of my female friends (one of his old ex's who he was still close to), I gathered all of my friends around and told them that this could have been prevented. I told them and made them all promise that we would never lose contact like we did. To this day, it angers and pains me to think that he saw me go through the same kind of disaster, yet didn't learn a lesson from my stupidity. Suicide is never the answer.

Then, a few weeks later, my brother's girlfriend died of an accidental Oxycontin overdose. Her and I became friends while they were dating. She even loaned me a lot of obscure art films, books and CD's. My brother was devastated, as was I. But, I had to shelve my grief so I could be there for him. He and I have become closer through this. Even though I am happy about us being closer, I wish it could have been under much better circumstances.

Through all of this, I mainly kept my focus on work and college. I never missed a day of work, and performed my heart out as if nothing had happened. Even on the day of Tyler's funeral, I drove immediately after the funerary reception to work, which was a 85 mile drive back into town. But working through all of this and not taking any time out for myself started to slowly wear on me.

Thankfully, from the aide of my family and a few friends, I was able to keep a handle on things and actually claw my way upward to some form of optimism without my hands necessarily turning into bloody stumps.

I have applied for the University of Oregon, and have gone through many of the necessary steps. You may ask yourself why I would choose to undertake another large task on top of the misery I've already been mired in... Call me crazy, I guess, but I came to an epiphany within all of this. I have to do everything while I'm still alive, and still young.

Well, all I do now is wait. Then before I depart, figure out some way to mend myself...

More to come.
Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Music:
D=Out - フラッシュバック (FLASHBACK)
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[User Picture]
On April 9th, 2009 01:52 am (UTC), ieatedyourcooki commented:
I'm so glad you're doing better and that you've become somewhat of a phoenix... rising from the ashes of a tragic time to begin anew! Though I am sorry for your losses. Please accept my condolences.
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On April 15th, 2011 10:41 pm (UTC), qugefour commented:
pimples are really annoying, you can kill them using benzoyl peroxide but it will also make your skin red.

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